adjective robot

last night i dreamed that i was going to knit a sweater for my cousin—

of course, in my dream he was five instead of 19. and for some reason, i was having a problem finding enough yarn in the same dye lot to make it (i only needed two balls).

i have now woken up with a hankering to make baby sweaters. or baby something, with all of the left-over balls of yarn i have from my christmas knitting. and no, there is no baby on the way.

but i’m sure someone is going to have one eventually, and then i’ll be ready.

i keep having the most random dreams. and the weirdest part? every time my dad shows up in one, i know almost immediately it’s a dream, and do nothing to change it.

i have had oddly strange dreams my whole life, but since my dad died in may, they have moved to a whole new level. my dad isn’t the first person i know to have died, but he’s the only one who seems to take a bit part in my dreams frequently.

the first time he showed up, i dreamed it was a family gathering, and everyone was acting all normal. there my dad was, standing in the kitchen, talking to one of my aunts. no one seemed at all surprised about this, but i was gobsmacked. the only thing my internal monolog could say was “you know he’s dead, right? you know this is probably the last time he’ll be here” but no one knew that.

so for me, every time my dad pops up in the dream, i don’t try to change the dream in fear of him some how popping back out of it.  but i do generally spend the rest of the dream hugging him, because that’s what i miss the most.

dad hugs.

you should get them while you can. they’re pretty awesome, and better in real life than in dreams.

turns out, this isn’t fun any more.

i have a shitty part time job. the only job i’ve been able to find in the six months from graduation is nine hours a week at a box craft store, stocking shelves.

i would really like to feel like a productive, contributing adult to this here society.

i think i’ll go knit some mittens.

I like lists. And it’s much easier to think in a list these days. So here. It’s exciting:

• My brother just bought himself a new electric guitar and amp. I hope this means that he’s starting to get happy again. Also that he’ll finally take the rest of the musical crap lying around the house here home.
• I’m still looking for a job. Sigh. I’m so ready to work.
• I’ve convinced my mom to clean the garage with me this weekend. I’ve already done part. I hope we get to throw out some crap. I am not a packrat, and the amount of stuff cluttering up this place drives me nuts.
• Video editing sucks on a laptop. I’ve been working on some homevideos from camping for a “reunion” party this weekend. Trying to cut four hours down to something managable. We’ll see.
• I miss all my friends. YOU HEAR THAT? I MISS YOU!
• I really want a strawberry shake.

I have the hiccups right now and it really sucks. Also sucky is that my macbook is semi-frozen while I rip family videos and that I’m pretty sure no one is listening to me anymore.

My own fault for sure, if anyone ever was listening to begin with.

damnit. i stepped on a bee this morning. in the dining room. which is INDOORS. and there are no flowers about, so no good reason for a bee to be hanging out there. so, stepping on a bee=bee sting to the foot, and now it hurts. i’m so bitter. 

just thought you all needed an update. 

oh hai!

i bet you thought i forgot about this here tumblr… well guess what, i did!

pretty sure that if i didn’t own this here domain, this here tumblr would have slid down into obscurity. i bet you even forgot you subscribed to it. if you even subscribed to it.

i’ve pretty much let everything go. this here spot, my thought out blog, my im has been turned off for months, days between tweets.

the only thing that has not been lagging? my need for facebook. i am addicited to mafia wars, and epic pet wars, and well, pretty much that’s it. i’m very into mindless these days.

graduation is a whole seven days away, and i can’t wait to get out of here except for the part that it means that i’ve got to find not just a job but a career, and there’s this guy that i sorta want to plan the rest of my life around…and no it’s not jesus, sorry…so there is this added stress to try to ensure that we at least end up within a drivable distance of each other if the dreaded horror of us not being in the same city, same apartment, comes to pass.

i’d really like to stay and get my masters, though it seems that academic and funny will just never go together, and if i write a paper that is thoughtful and insightful and humerous it’s destined for a grade no higher than a B-, and i’m pretty sure i can’t spend another two years writing things that don’t make me laugh a little on the inside. i’m sorry academic writing has to be a bore, but i guess it does. it makes me a little sad.

maybe one day i’ll come back and right this wrong, but not until i find a program that lets me be funny. i think we’d have way more english majors if we were allowed to be funny. and i mean english major funny, which really still means the rest of the world will still think we’re crazy people who read old books for no good reason, and won’t get any of the jokes that make us crack up with side-splitting laughter. like naming a guy we don’t like ahab or bartleby, because they embody those characters and everyone knows what we’re talking about.

so, here i go out into the real world with no fall-back plan, except maybe taco bell. i was a really great assistant manager. though i suppose they’d think i was over qualified now since last time i had that job i didn’t even have an associates degree, and now i’ve leapt over that hedge to a BA and a certificate in an industry that is slow to change, and will be slowly crushed by amazon because we’re too slow to get there.

too rambly for you? too bad. i’m back. tell your friends. run for the hills.

these words are going to fall out faster than ever before. i’m searching for my voice. i lost it somewhere, and i’m going to find it and beat it into submission for running away. unfortunately, i think it has multiple personalites.

no wait, that’s a good thing. as long as i don’t, we’re all good.

omg, what?

i can’t remember the last time i blogged anywhere, let alone tumblr in particular.

i can’t say that i’ve been writing. maybe only the tinyist bit of reading. more into throwing parties and seeing people, and playing games, and procrastination like there’s a million tomorrows.

classes have finally started. who takes physiology for an elective—meaning that the credits are absolutely of no use anywhere for anything? oh, that’s right. i do.

so i’ve been reading that textbook. taking notes like crazy. feeling for the first time ever that i’m in a real university, not just some rinky-dink junior college (and let’s contemplate this—not until my last semester at Chico State, with my lowest unit count since i was 18 and didn’t know what i was doing, do i finally feel like i’m actually at a university somewhere).

my eye is gimpy with something, and looks hideous. to the point that e wanted to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me how bad it is. thanks. appreciate that.

and i still need to write 800 words on hestia vs. icarus. um, yeah. did i mention that i have to do it over on a new blog somewhere else? my multicultural lit teacher is all about the blogs. at blogster. s.i.g.h.

i think i’m going to read my feeds and procrastinate some more.